


The-a Kinda Big Kinda Small Story of Jar Jar Binks

by srididdledeedee



Series: Jar Jar [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Other, for t and r, this is one giant shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:05:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7392160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/srididdledeedee/pseuds/srididdledeedee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meesa gonna be goin' to hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The-a Kinda Big Kinda Small Story of Jar Jar Binks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [east_wind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/east_wind/gifts).



> In the event of my death, let this be posted on the front of my tombstone.

The-a Binks fam’lee lineeyage had been-a long an’ proud singley throo all Gungan hizt’ry. From the-a founda of Otoh Gunga (Blish Binks) to the-a scieentist that developed the-a oxeegen zynthezizas (Cubben Binks) to-a famous king that strategelic’lee won the-a war that gave-a the Gungans their freedom from the-a surfess dwellers of Naboo (Adreel Binks-Sqeeth), all Binkses had contri-buted to an’ shaped Gungan culture an’ history. That is, almost all.

Jar Jar Binks was-a spesh’l kind of Binks. He didn’ be havin’ artistic vision (disappointin’ his unra Clann-Clann) or the-a focus for reesearch (dispiritin’ his cara Mozueb). His maparas ignored it for-as long dey could-a, but his worstest luck in world combined with his super-nasty punch-in-face personality even’ch’lee got him noticed – an’ not in the-a traditionalest Binks way.

Jar Jar was banished ix-act’lee doubley days after he reached adulthood. The-a circumstancials were not so clear to all of his relatives, an’ different stories disppersed themselves. Some said he smashed the-a oxygen bubble of Boss Nass’s, others said he accident’lee burned-a famous paintin’ of his great-a-great-a-great anras. Either which way or the other, he was ix-ziled from their society an’ peace reigned for a few super-wonderful years. 

An’ then he came back.

With Light Saber Fight Fighters.

No Gungan was bein’ happy ‘bout this not good turn of events. But by assisting the-a Big Saber Fightin’ Fighter Qui-Gon Jinn an’ his Small Saber Fightin’ Fighter Obi-Wan Kenobi, the-a Gungans were able to be gettin’ rid of him very fast again. Of course, no one could-a have predict’d the-a battle with the-a Trade Federation. An’ i-t’was impossible to be foreseein’ Jar Jar’s appointment as Bombad General. 

(I-t’wasn’ even bein’ a promotion – Jar Jar was bein’ nothin’ beforely! Can’t be promoted from nothin’!)

It continued. He became-a senator, provin’ his fam’lee’s ancient theory no spesh’l skill was bein’ required in government. His mara tittered that he could-a have used that power durin’ the-a Clone Wars in so multiply more ways. His para grumbled that he should-a have resisted Palpatine’s persuasion to give the-a Emperor more power. Jar Jar either didn’ notice or didn’ care (but defin’lee didn’ notice) an’ continued his hap-glad an’ most aggravatin’ worst ever babble every night at suppertime.

Life passed. The-a Binkses strived to be impressin’ their society even more to hide Jar Jar’s Jar Jar-ness. It ain’t do nothin’. As Obi-Wan Kenobi trained his Small Saber Fightin’ Fighter, Jar Jar stayed the-a center of attention in underwata Naboo. When Sandakin (or whateeva his name was bein’) mourned over the-a loss of former Queen Amidala, the-a Gungans mourned havin’ to be hearin’ Jar Jar be givin’ her eulogy. Even when the-a Emperor seized control of the-a galaxy, the-a Gungans considered him the-a only after-first biggest probl’m to Jar Jar Binks. 

Dese events made it even more surprisin’ when Jar Jar, readin’ the-a current events section on his GICR, was scoffin’ at the-a new Light Saber Fightin’ Fighter found. “This be ridicloucal – ‘singley Light Saber Fightin’ Fighter been whisperin’ to have been seeny, will order be returnin’ with him?’ One-hundreed-percenteege bonkers absurdious!”

His fam’lee members was sharin’-a look. “Jar Jar, what yousa meanin’?”

He blinked at them. “Meesa be meanin’, meesa bein’-a Light Saber Fightin’ Fighter. Meesa don’ got trainin’ or anythin’, but neither does other guy here.”

“What yousa mean?” His great-unra repeated. “The-a Big Club of the Light Saber Fightin’ Fighters has been bein’ dead since Darth Vader been around.”

“What d’you be callin’ this then?” Jar Jar reached out with singley arm, liftin’ his mara’s glass without touchin’ it. “There was-a ‘splanation Qui-Gon Jinn’s mind tricks didn’ be workin’ on meesa.”

The-a ix-t’nded fam’lee made-a n’ix-ecutive decision an’ shipped him off planet to Tython, the-a home of the very much oldest Light Saber Fight Fighters. He was meanin’ to be stayin’ there an’ be meditatin’ for-a few months, but he never returned. Nobody in his fam’lee worried too much - he was bein’ fin’lee out of their gills for good.

Not much did they know of the-a rise of Darth Jar Jar.

Jar Jar had been meditatin’ for days on Tython, been callin’ on oldeldiest Light Saber Fight Fighters spirits to be guidin’ him. He then traveled to Hoth, where he could-a feel singley restless soul. Unfortunat’lee for him, i-t’was the somewhat (very) malicious soul of-a tricky dead Angry Saber Fightin’ Fighter. Jar Jar learned an’ mastered most, if not every single Angry Saber Fight Fighter techeenique – Force lightnin’, Force chokin’, he even began to be constructin’ the hilt of his light saber. He was beginnin’ to be lookin’ even more powerful than Darth Sidious.

Which is why the malee-i-cious an’ now much petty-envy Angry Saber Fightin’ Fighter spirit persuaded him to meditate deeply at the-a bottom of-a cliff then pushed-a boulder on top of him.

Jar Jar Binks was squished like-a purpley popper, his soul becomin’ singley with the Force. His fam’lee learned of his death a-few years after an’ fin’lee hired the-a fancy caterer they had been itchin’ to try but didn’ have-a good enough ix-cuse to. The world was ridden of both the- a peskiest annoyance in history of galaxy an’ possib’lee the-a most dangerous Angry Saber Fightin’ Fighter to ever be roamin’ the-a universe.

Here be endin’ the-a kinda big kinda small story of Jar Jar Binks.


End file.
